I just learned a new writing practice that really helped me uncover what is driving me crazy – people, places, and things I cannot control.

It’s a sentence stem – “It is not ok with me that …” and I was asked to write 20-30 responses.

Guess what? At least 80% of my list are out of my control. But it sure felt good to write them down!

I think the switchback of not analyzing an item before writing it was the hardest. I mean, I know the genocide in Gaza and the death-dealing colonization of Palestine at the hands of Zionists is completely out of my control. But to write with a pen on paper that I AM NOT OK WITH IT felt good. And letting that feeling wash over me helped me know in my gut that I can feel the feelings and not silence myself internally when I’m tackling a switchback.

I’d love for the sunrise in this practice to be that Israel and all nations complicit in its oppression of Palestine are not only held accountable but make reparations for multiple generations. I know better than to expect that. Perhaps the sunrise in this practice, instead, is seeing my list – and regaining my power to say what is and isn’t ok with me. That’s actually a huge thing for me – so I’ll take it.

I am a recovering fixer. I still want to wave my magic wand and make everything and everyone ok. Over the years, though, I’ve learned a few things –

Who am I to critique anything and deem it wrong and that I have the knowledge and ability to fix it?

Natural consequences do more to help fix things than anything I ever could.

So in my teaching career this has been tough, especially with teens couch surfing, vaping, treating each other in demeaning and dehumanizing ways, and raising themselves to adulthood with no or few or checked out adults in their home lives.

I read a thing today that reminded me of my core calling – compassion and witness. I can teach math and I can share and demonstrate compassion while I witness the many miracles of transformation that happen everyday. I am not a counselor nor a chaplain in my classroom – although the opportunities to slip into those roles are many. I am there to teach math with compassion and stand with students as they succeed.

So today – I give up fixing. And I’ll have to tomorrow too – but just for today, I give it up.

I’ve learned the hard way just how damaging sharing to connect can be.

I’m neuro-divergent / neuro-spicy / gifted / domestic violence abuse survivor / sexual assault survivor / child of alcoholism / you name it. Sharing my lived experiences has been sooooo natural I didn’t even know I was doing it. And – unbeknownst to me – it can come across as “making “it” all about me,” oversharing, lack of boundaries, insensitive, trying to dominate, and lack of social cues.

I think I’m like Leonard Hofstadter of The Big Bang Theory.

So – here I am, facing a very steep, rocky, no trees, blazing sun kind of switchback today.

If I’ve learned anything over the years, I can go down a rabbit hole to analyze *why* and / or I can pursue ways to cope. Today, I choose learning how to cope.

1. Pausing before the conversation – I don’t do this well as I was trained in multiple spaces that if I could jump in asap, I could be seen in a positive light. As the expert. As the leader. As one deserving to belong. If I stayed quiet, I would be ignored, forgotten, stupid, uneducated, unworthy.
   
   When I am in a good self-care and spiritual fit head space, I actually can pause and prepare. Teaching high school makes this a challenge as the work load gets heavier every year. If I am going to pause, I MUST CARVE TIME OUT FOR ME. And that does not mean I am less of a teacher or that I don’t care about my students. It actually means the opposite. This is a good one for a Sticky Note.
   
2. Prepare for triggers – I don’t do this well either. If someone starts spouting off a bunch of blarney, I tend to jump in with both feet to correct them. Because I know the material. Because I used to debate. Because I’ve been silenced. Because they are wrong.
   
   I’ve worked on and through many of my triggers, but as triggers do, they trigger at the most inopportune moment. This is a good one for my therapist and I. And in the specific situation that prompted this post – a Sticky Note.
   
3. Boundaries – the oversharing in question was in a professional setting. I know better. Sticky Notes everywhere in my day to day spaces at school. And – frequent check-ins at the end of the day (I’m pretty self-aware) and my therapist to ensure my boundaries are solid solid solid.
   
   And some deep dives into my lived experiences to counter the old tapes saying I am unworthy of being heard and seen.
   
4. Active Listening – I took a grad course in my Master’s program specifically on this. I know how. I just need to switch it on. And I need to write more so what I have to share doesn’t fester inside – and doesn’t spill out at the worst times ever.
   
   I know what it feels like to go unheard and unseen and to be silenced. I don’t ever want to get so caught up in sharing myself that I inadvertently silence another person. And that includes myself.

Like I said it’s a doozie of a switchback. But – as always has been my whole life – there is a sunrise waiting for me at the next junction. May that sunrise be full of joy and contentment and a sense of accomplishment.